domingo, 22 de noviembre de 2015

The Cinematic Haters Ball: The Human Centipede 3

Saying I watched The Human Centipede 3 is inaccurate. What should be said is that I tortured my eyeballs and polluted my brain for an hour and a half without any goddamn reason to. Now I want to grab Tom Six by the ankles and smack him against the wall until both legs become detached from the rest of the pulpy, untalented mess. Just…fuck.

I’d usually bother with something akin to a synopsis, but this abysmal piece of whale shit doesn’t even deserve that and comes as close to having a plot as Donald Trump comes to sounding like a rational human. This painfully shot, ridiculously overacted, unfunny waste of time took about ten minutes to climb to the top of the list of the worst movies I’ve seen this year, and then kept climbing like a young alpinist bent on summiting Everest on the only good weather day of the year.

The problem with communicating how truly awful this movie is stems from the fact that horror movies can be nauseating, vile, foul, disgusting, dreadful, sickening, ghastly, horrific, and repugnant while still being good movies. Not this one. This is a dreadful thing that shouldn’t have been seen by anyone not being subjected to systematic torture for crimes against children. The fact that the best acting in the film comes from a lady who used to do porn should’ve been a sign, but no one paid attention and they released it. They shouldn’t remain unpunished for this atrocious act. This odious collection of utter garbage is the cinematic equivalent of sitting on a red ant hill with you ass covered in honey while fellating a cactus, and someone should be in jail for making it.

Fuck it, I’m done with any attempt at analyzing something that was less interesting to look at than a stagnant puddle. Instead, I’ll give you a series of lines that I’m 100% were uttered in the set of this thing at least once:

1.     “What? No, I don’t know what a script is.”
2.     “There are no lines. Just tell Dieter Laser to yell incoherently for a few minutes.”
3.     “No, no, no. We’re not going for scary, smart or funny; we just want this shit to be as obnoxious as possible.”
4.     “Yes, this is edgy as fuck, dude!”
5.     “This seems like a perfect idea…on acid.”

Okay, I’m done with this thing. On a scale from 1 to 10, this was a solid “I’d rather chew on putrid meat while getting tasered than watch three minutes of this dreadful chunk of cinematic refuse.”

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