So you worked on a short story and sent it off to a place
you deemed worthy of your words. Then, after losing sleep for a few days and
checking your email 17,452 times, you received a rejection. You can do two
things about that. The first one is take the rejection, revise your work, and
submit it elsewhere. Sure, you can be a fucking punk and do that, but you’re
not a loser. The second thing, what real writers do, is reply to that stupid
editor and let them know what’s what. If you often decide to be a little bitch,
stop reading now. If you really care about being a professional, keep reading.
Still here? Awesome! Here’s what you need to do next time
you get a rejection:
1. Reply immediately. You don’t want your pain and anger to
subside. This editor hurt you and you have to swiftly hurt them back to teach
them a lesson. Make sure to get rid of all filters and use all of your
frustration to write what you will write. Drag that violent animal screaming
nonsense near your heart and let it run free. Let your feelings dictate what
you write. Don’t even check your email, just write and write and hit that send
button the second you’re done.
2. Stick and stones, remember? You want to make sure this
email gets you noticed and, more importantly, makes the editor remember you so
that the same thing won’t happen next time you submit. This means you can use
words like fucktard and asshole. Let them know how you feel and don’t pull any
punches. “I spent four days working on this, you illiterate asshat,” is a
superb way to kick things off. Also, if the name doesn’t make it obvious, do a
bit of research (always after, never before!) to find out who the editor is and
then use that to attack them on a personal level. Remember: a rejection is a
very personal attack, an attack against everything you stand for, so deal with
it accordingly.
3. Explain your story. The reason most people get rejections
is because editors don’t understand their stories. You should always tell
editors who reject you that they didn’t get it and then proceed to tell them
how fucking amazing your story is and how missing the point is something only a
dumbass would do. There is only one way to interpret a narrative, and that’s
the author’s way, so give them a thorough explanation so they understand what
they missed out on by rejecting your work.
4. Insult their publication. Don’t worry about burning
bridges or any of that pussy nonsense: tell it like it is and let them know
their rag is not even up to your standards and you only sent them something to
help them get some views. Extra points if you can name a story they recently
published and tell them how it’s a piece of shit compared to yours.
5. Mention all previous publications. Some editors don’t
know who you are (I know, that’s incredible, but it is what it is!), so include
a copy of your CV in the email. This will help them see how wrong they were and
how many other great editors dig what you do.
6. If you can find the editor on Facebook, send them a
friend request. When they accept, send them a message calling them something
horrible and then unfriend them. Asshole editor - 0 You - 1
7. If the publication has a Facebook page, drop a few nasty
comments on their posts. You don’t want them to think you’re the kind of coward
who gets rejected and whimpers away to lick the wounds; you want them to know
they messed with the wrong writer.
8. Wait a few days and submit something different to the
same publication. Then, once you’re sure they’ve seen it but right before they
have a chance to send you an acceptance, pull the story. That’ll teach them!
9. Get on Facebook and rant angrily about the rejection.
Fellow writers need to know which editors suck and everyone should be aware of
the serious issues affecting your life and mood at the moment. Remember: the
longer and angrier the post, the more likes it will get.
10. Simultaneously submit the story to seventeen venues
without revising. Face it: you’re an awesome writer and there’s no way in hell
that story could be better.
There you have it! Good luck with your next submission and always
keep in mind that you’re a mind-bogglingly good writer and anyone who doesn’t
think so deserves to die.
