I’ve sold clothes, taught journalism, worked construction,
written and photographed for newspapers, trained dogs, slaved under the
Caribbean sun as a large-scale landscaping peon, and done some things for money
that are better left unsaid. What I hadn’t done before is work in a “regular”
office. You know, a place where folks wear slacks, nice shoes, and clean shirts
so they can sit in front of a computer or answer the phone all day. Torn jeans
and a black t-shirt were the nicest things I ever wore during my seven years at
UT. Hell, that was my uniform. Now all of that has changed and I’m learning to
navigate an office environment while trying to keep my soul intact and using my
sense of humor as a shield. Since I’m sure there are many out there in the same
situation, I’ve decided to share 20 things I’ve learned recently about
acceptable/unacceptable behavior in mainstream corporate America.
1. When
they ask you to dress “professionally,” they don’t mean you should wear clean jeans.
What they mean is that you should dress like you plan on being an anchor in
tonight’s news even if you’re just going to be around the same idiots you’re
around every day and already got the gig.
2. When
you’re standing around the copy machine and everyone is complaining that the
thing is a pain to work with, you shouldn’t say “I think we should carry that
fucking useless piece of shit to the roof, set it on fire, and throw it down to
the parking lot.” Apparently such language, not to mention the idea of
destructing office property, is frowned upon. When no one agrees with you,
don’t start dropping quotes from Office Space. On that same note, The Kids in
the Hall, 80s slasher flicks, and early Saturday Night Live references should
be kept out of all conversations. (Yes, I know how hard that is when you’re
next to a copy machine, but you have to try.)
3. If you
fail to dress appropriately and a coworker says you “look like a mess,” don’t
reply “I’m using my appearance to construct a visual discourse that effectively
communicates the amount of fucks I give.” Again, language seems to be somewhat
important in the workplace.
4. If a
coworker who is either too damn happy or snorts blow like a feral hog every
morning comes up to you and says “Smile, Gabino! It’s humpday!” you should not
reply “Yeah, but we’re all at the bottom of the hump, looking up at it as we
bleed out because fucking Monday chopped off our legs.” If you need to be
reminded about language, please refer to point #3.
5. Should
you walk into a bathroom and notice that there are individuals occupying both
stalls, don’t break the odd, tense silence of the place by saying “Are you two
gonna look at each other in the face when you walk out of there or just pretend
the whole simultaneous pooping thing didn’t happen?”
6. Similarly,
if you’re using the bathroom and someone else is in there, don’t start clapping
and screaming “Haha, I’m getting paid to poop right now!” Apparently most
individuals would rather take dumps and not get paid for it. Losers.
7. If you
see ice cream in the freezer in the breakroom, it’s probably for something.
Don’t eat it.
8. Hiding
work in your desk drawers is only a temporary measure. It also pisses your boss
off quite a bit.
9. When a
male coworker shows up a little late and looking a tad rough, don’t yell “Bro,
you pay her, give the donkey some water, and come to work, you fucking
slacker!” That line is not as funny as you think, especially when yelled in a
quiet office at 8:16 a.m.
10. Regardless
of their speed and performance, computers in the workplace should never be
referred to as “pathetically inadequate pieces of fucking troglodytic assjunk.”
11. When
someone calls and leaves a message for your boss, ignore their attitude and
drop everything you’re doing so you can focus on writing a detailed note. Under
no circumstances should you refer to the individual who called as “some
motherfucker” when giving your boss the message.
12. Joking
about selling drugs to kids on the side because what they’re paying you is not
enough to live is not funny and most people are gullible idiots, so don’t do
it.
13. Arguing
that a task should be given to someone else because “it’s not metal” is,
surprisingly, also frowned upon.
14. Never
ask ladies in the elevator if they farted. No one likes your sense of humor and
fart jokes should be left out of the office environment.
15. On a
related note, don’t make jokes about harassment when someone bumps into you.
People freak the hell out when you use that word.
16. The
thin Japanese guy from Special Projects who wears his pants really high has a
name. You should learn it. Stop calling him Warm Nipples whenever someone asks
about him. In fact, talk about nipples, warm or cold, should be kept to a
minimum while in the office.
17. The
importance of that people are gullible/people don’t understand your sense of
humor binomial can’t be thought of as something that can be ignored. When
someone attempts to start a conversation and asks, for example, if you have any
plans for the weekend, don’t say things like “Yoga pants and murder” or “Devouring
smoldering chunks of pig carcass and get drunk enough to forget I have to come
back to this awful joint on Monday.” You should try to say normal things like
“I’m gonna watch a shitty superhero movie” or “I’m taking my partner on a date
to an overpriced restaurant so I can stare into his/her soulless, bovine eyes
and feel my life rot inside my body.”
18. Much
like nipples, all phrases that include the words death, blood, strangulation,
maiming, or that graphically describe shoving
an inanimate object up someone’s ass should be held inside until you’re
outside the building and can safely scream them inside your car or on the bus.
19. Repeatedly
stating that you can’t wait to get the fuck out of the office so you can go
home and do really important things and/or “real work” is, you guessed it,
frowned upon. Don’t say it seven times a day.
20. Upper
Management should be referred to as Upper Management. Rich, fat bastards, lazy
assholes, geriatric idiots, and all other nicknames should only be used when no
one else is around.
